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link #002
September first
Standing on the corner, debating what to do. No stop light. No little man in white or green, no hand or man in red. No soothing electronic voice in Japanese. No other passersby gauge-able like guides. Cars whipping by, some law-abiding, others humming, drivers counting rush hour minutes thinking fly, fly, fly. Indecision among the most deadly of sins, collapsing whole sets of options into nothing but might-have-beens. Deciding, stepping forward prepared for the screeching "fuck you"s mingled with burning disc breaks, prepared to sprint until the curb rose like a hurdle, prepared to go up and over, land like a lizard played with by cats, pieces recognizable, shape unintact. A friend once, late at night us just nineteen, the thud so soft and sickening it sticks with me down to the jangling coins in his pocket acting like echoes of spine ankles and wrists. Twenty five now, invincibility like a t-shirt worn to every important date since sixteen, beat up and gauzy, indistinct blurs that were once witty lettering. Friends speaking constantly about how it's all in the mind, and it leaking each time further and further inside till certainty like a plant watered enthusiastically starts drifting away.
Cars politely halting, smiling nods and hand waves. Not one screech of tire or anger. Simple, kind, and agreed upon. And like that California reminds me that I'm back, but it's all new, and these vague glimmers of memory won't do. I'll have to start somewhere, and make new.