Small Cruel Party
I met Jean Genet at a bar in Queens
"Have you ever met a thief?"
"Um? no."
"You know why?"
"Because my friends all suck?"
"Heh... you're kind of funny, you know. I like that."
"Thanks."
"No problem, man. I always like to meet a funny guy, you know."
"Well, thanks."
"So have you ever met a thief?"
"No, I don't think I have."
"I'm one."
"A thief?"
"Yeah, man."
"Um..."
"Come on, man."
"No, I mean, I don't know what to say."
"Ask me about being a thief."
"OK. So tell me about being a thief."
"OK. What are you drinking there?"
"Guinness."
"Guinness, OK. You want to know what I'm drinking?"
"Um... sure, I guess."
"I'm drinking whiskey in milk."
"Whiskey in milk?"
"Yeah, man. Whiskey in milk. You ever met anyone who drinks whiskey in milk?"
"No, I haven't."
"You know why I drink whiskey in milk?"
"No."
"It's 'cause of my stomach. I got an ulcer."
"So you're drinking whiskey...?
"No, man. Whiskey in milk. See? No, wait, here... Annie!"
"Dude, I believe you."
"Annie! What's this I'm drinking here? See? Whiskey and milk. Told ya so."
"Yeah, I know. I believed you."
"So I've got this ulcer, man, and I drink the milk to calm it down. Cover it up, you know."
"OK, sure."
"But I drink the whiskey 'cause I still wanna get fucked up, you know."
"Yeah, of course."
"I can drink ten of these a night, man. How many of those beers can you drink a night?"
"Not that many."
"Yeah I know not that many but how many?"
"I don't know. Four. Maybe five. Depends on the night."
"Yeah, and you only drink four of those when I drink ten or eleven of these a night."
"Yeah."
"So ask me about being a thief."
"Um... OK. What's it like being a thief?"
"Let me tell you, man. Here. Buy me a drink. Tell ya all about it."
"Oh, come on man. I haven't got that much on me."
"No, you come on, it's just one little drink. You're going up there anyway soon. Just ask Annie for a glass of milk with a splash of whiskey in it. For me."
"So how old are you?"
"22."
"You're 22? Jesus... you got your whole life ahead of you, you know."
"Yeah."
"When I was your age, you know, 22, let me tell you... When I was 22 I was in the Navy. During the war."
"Which war was that?"
"So I was in the Navy, and we'd come back home to New York on leave, to resupply the ship, refuel, you know. And leave was three or four days sometimes, so we could go home or stay on the ship
or do whatever. I lived down on Northern, out near Sunnyside Yard, you know?"
"Yeah, down in Long Island City. I used to live down there."
"Oh yeah? Where?"
"Down on 42nd and 25th. Near the Pathmark."
"Yeah, man. I know that Pathmark."
"Cool."
"So I used to live down there, and from there you can walk over the bridge there, the Queensboro. You can walk right across the outside of the bridge to Manhattan."
"Yeah, I used to work over there. On 3rd Ave."
"Oh, so you know that area, the neighborhood I?m talking about, right?"
"Yeah, I know it."
"Good. So you know that neighborhood... how it's all residential those first few blocks in from the river."
"Yeah, I know."
"So I was in the Navy, and when we used to come home on leave, I'd come back to Queens to stay with my mother, God rest her, for the weekend. For my leave. And I'd go out to the bar on the
corner down there, MacGregor's. You know MacGregor's down there? On 23rd and the boulevard?"
"No, that was kind of far from me."
"You don't know it?"
"I don't know it."
"Huh. Well, it prob'ly closed down by now anyway. This was a long time ago."
"Yeah. During the war."
"Exactly, man. The war."
"So you'd go to the bar on leave?"
"Yeah, I'd go to the bar. And I'd stick around for a little while, have a few drinks... not this, man. I used to drink nothin' but the best Scotch and whiskey. I mean, what the hell else was I
going to spend my money on? I'm in the Navy. I got my ship, my room, meals free an' everything."
"Yeah, it's a sweet deal."
"Sure is, man. And you get to travel all over the world, too. I been to Spain, to England, to Canada... I've even been to Africa, if you can believe it. We used to go all over. And where else
was a kid like me going to be able to go to all those places, huh?"
"I don't know. Nowhere?"
"In the Navy, man."
"Sure. Of course."
"So I'm in the Navy, and I'm goin' off to all of these diff'rint places, and I'm seein' all this diff'rint shit, and finally I come home on leave. And... how you doin' over there?"
"I'm good."
"No, man, I mean it looks like you're gettin' out of beer there."
"Oh, yeah, I guess."
"Tell you what. You bought me this drink here, so here, take this and go up there and tell Annie to throw another whiskey in some milk and get one for y'rself, alright? Whatever it is you're
drinking there. How's that?"
"OK, thanks."
"Great, man. I need to piss. Go up there and Annie'll fix us up."
"So I'd be home on leave, and I'd go out for a few drinks, down to MacGregor's there, and we'd all be hanging out and shooting pool, and it'd get to be around midnight one o'clock, and I'd have
one last drink and say good night to everyone. And midnight one o'clock's pretty early, you know. But I'd take off then, go to my mother's house, God rest her, and I'd change my clothes and grab my
little rucksack there, and I'd head out over the bridge. Across the Queensboro into Manhattan. And once you get down there it's just all these apartment buildings, a couple of projects around for
the blacks, but mostly it's all nice older folks. You got some Italians, some Germans, a Mick or two, but all of 'em have been there a long time. They're... what you call it... ah, I forget. Anyway,
they're all right there, and twelve one o'clock all of 'em are still out at their club or a bar or something, and you can get right up on the roof of these buildings back then, you know. So I'd get
up there and I'd sit for a minute. Have a cigarette and take a look around. I don't know if you've ever taken that bridge at night, but the view from up that high on the river is something else,
man.
"So I'd sit up on one of them rooftops and look around, see who was lit up home and who wasn't. And I'd make that into a map, in my head, so once I picked a place I could just run down the fire
escape, slip into a bathroom or kitchen window, and be back out in two minutes. All those apartments are the same, you know. They go front to back, right along the length of the building. So you
come in the fire escape, and you're in the bathroom, standing right there in the tub. I don't know why everyone puts their tub in front of the damn window, but most of 'em do it anyway. So you're
standin' in the tub, and you get out of it and get out of the bathroom, and you're in the kitchen or the hall. Way at the end of the hall is the bedroom, and there's all these other rooms off one
side of the hall. Closets and a library or spare room or something. You run down the hall quick as you can, and slip in, right there is the bed, a chest of drawers, and the good lady's got her
dressing table near the window. And what's on top of the dressing table? Bingo! The good lady's jewelry box. And what's in the jewelry box? Hell, that could be anything. Cash, rings, necklace
maybe. So I grab it, turn to the big old chest of drawers, and nine times out of ten they've got a coffee can full up of cash on top there. In the bag. And that's it. In and out before you know
it. Head on up to the roof and have another cigarette, look at another building. I used to do three or four in a night, man. Do you believe that? And when I started hearing people on the street
down there, I'd head back across the bridge, back home, and off to sleep like a baby. Just like that.
"You don't believe me, do you?"
"I don't know, man."
"Come on, you don't believe me. I can see it. You think you're all smart, sitting there with your fancy beer and your fancy cigarettes... what are they? I never seen a pack like that
before."
"American Spirits. Lights."
"American Spirit? What the hell's that? How much those cost you?"
"I don't know."
"More than regular cigarettes, right?"
"Not really. Five and a half."
"Five and a half? Jesus. I remember when a pack cost a buck. Me, I smoke anything. But I buy it cheap, down in that store by the Greek restaurant over there. Marlboros run you four bucks.
But even that, man. Let me get one of those fancy cigarettes and I'll tell you something you'll believe me. Thanks. You're a good kid, you know. I like you."
"Thanks."
"Yeah, I'm just sayin' you're a good kid. I can see it in you. You'll do all right."
"Thanks."
"So here, let me prove it to you I used to be a thief."
"OK."
"See, you're a thief, you steal stuff."
"Sure."
"But I was also a pickpocket too. And I can prove it right now. You wear a watch?"
"Yeah."
"Let me see it."
"Here."
"OK, no, see if you want to grab a guy's watch, you find someone wearing one with a metal band. With the little clip, you know. Not that plastic thing like on a belt you got there."
"Why's that?"
"'Cause look, I come up to you, here, stand up, OK, I come up to you and I smile. Reach out to shake your hand. No, take my hand, yeah. OK, so I'm shaking your hand, and I put my other hand,
my left hand, on your forearm like this. So you've got your fancy watch on your right hand which I'm shaking. And I've got some pressure on your right forearm. And I'm saying something like it's so
nice to meet you, you're a great guy, you're kind of funny. And then my shaking hand, my right hand, I reach up with the thumb and get the metal clip on the band. Flick it open. Your watch opens
up. And I let go of your arm like this, just moving my left hand down your arm. And I just slide your watch into my right hand, tell you how glad I am to meet you, and you never even realize I just
took your fancy watch. You know why?"
"No, why?"
"'Cause you can't concentrate on three things at a time."
"I don't get it."
"OK, look, man. If I'm shaking your hand you concentrate on that. You're aware of it. And if I grab your arm, you concentrate on that, too, 'cause I'm too close to you and you're not right
with that. And if I'm talking to you, you forget that I'm shaking your hand 'cause everyone shakes hands. But you don't forget that I'm talking to you and grabbing your arm at the same time. No one
can. Physically impossible. So you talk to me 'cause that's polite, and you think about my hand on your arm 'cause it's not normal. It's like an invasion of privacy, you know. And you forget about
shaking my hand 'cause shaking hands is natural. See?"
"Jesus... yeah. Hey, that's true. Wow."
"So now I got your watch and you don't even know it."
"Yeah, that's smooth, man."
"Damn right it's smooth. I used to do that all the time. Hell, that's one you can even get away with wearing a uniform. 'Cause no one ever expects a sailor to be a thief too."
"Yeah, sure enough."
"But that's the best part. I come home on leave, do a few things at night, and then I'm gone for nine months a year. And by the time I get back? everyone's forgotten about everything."
"Um? no."
"You know why?"
"Because my friends all suck?"
"Heh... you're kind of funny, you know. I like that."
"Thanks."
"No problem, man. I always like to meet a funny guy, you know."
"Well, thanks."
"So have you ever met a thief?"
"No, I don't think I have."
"I'm one."
"A thief?"
"Yeah, man."
"Um..."
"Come on, man."
"No, I mean, I don't know what to say."
"Ask me about being a thief."
"OK. So tell me about being a thief."
"OK. What are you drinking there?"
"Guinness."
"Guinness, OK. You want to know what I'm drinking?"
"Um... sure, I guess."
"I'm drinking whiskey in milk."
"Whiskey in milk?"
"Yeah, man. Whiskey in milk. You ever met anyone who drinks whiskey in milk?"
"No, I haven't."
"You know why I drink whiskey in milk?"
"No."
"It's 'cause of my stomach. I got an ulcer."
"So you're drinking whiskey...?
"No, man. Whiskey in milk. See? No, wait, here... Annie!"
"Dude, I believe you."
"Annie! What's this I'm drinking here? See? Whiskey and milk. Told ya so."
"Yeah, I know. I believed you."
"So I've got this ulcer, man, and I drink the milk to calm it down. Cover it up, you know."
"OK, sure."
"But I drink the whiskey 'cause I still wanna get fucked up, you know."
"Yeah, of course."
"I can drink ten of these a night, man. How many of those beers can you drink a night?"
"Not that many."
"Yeah I know not that many but how many?"
"I don't know. Four. Maybe five. Depends on the night."
"Yeah, and you only drink four of those when I drink ten or eleven of these a night."
"Yeah."
"So ask me about being a thief."
"Um... OK. What's it like being a thief?"
"Let me tell you, man. Here. Buy me a drink. Tell ya all about it."
"Oh, come on man. I haven't got that much on me."
"No, you come on, it's just one little drink. You're going up there anyway soon. Just ask Annie for a glass of milk with a splash of whiskey in it. For me."
"So how old are you?"
"22."
"You're 22? Jesus... you got your whole life ahead of you, you know."
"Yeah."
"When I was your age, you know, 22, let me tell you... When I was 22 I was in the Navy. During the war."
"Which war was that?"
"So I was in the Navy, and we'd come back home to New York on leave, to resupply the ship, refuel, you know. And leave was three or four days sometimes, so we could go home or stay on the ship
or do whatever. I lived down on Northern, out near Sunnyside Yard, you know?"
"Yeah, down in Long Island City. I used to live down there."
"Oh yeah? Where?"
"Down on 42nd and 25th. Near the Pathmark."
"Yeah, man. I know that Pathmark."
"Cool."
"So I used to live down there, and from there you can walk over the bridge there, the Queensboro. You can walk right across the outside of the bridge to Manhattan."
"Yeah, I used to work over there. On 3rd Ave."
"Oh, so you know that area, the neighborhood I?m talking about, right?"
"Yeah, I know it."
"Good. So you know that neighborhood... how it's all residential those first few blocks in from the river."
"Yeah, I know."
"So I was in the Navy, and when we used to come home on leave, I'd come back to Queens to stay with my mother, God rest her, for the weekend. For my leave. And I'd go out to the bar on the
corner down there, MacGregor's. You know MacGregor's down there? On 23rd and the boulevard?"
"No, that was kind of far from me."
"You don't know it?"
"I don't know it."
"Huh. Well, it prob'ly closed down by now anyway. This was a long time ago."
"Yeah. During the war."
"Exactly, man. The war."
"So you'd go to the bar on leave?"
"Yeah, I'd go to the bar. And I'd stick around for a little while, have a few drinks... not this, man. I used to drink nothin' but the best Scotch and whiskey. I mean, what the hell else was I
going to spend my money on? I'm in the Navy. I got my ship, my room, meals free an' everything."
"Yeah, it's a sweet deal."
"Sure is, man. And you get to travel all over the world, too. I been to Spain, to England, to Canada... I've even been to Africa, if you can believe it. We used to go all over. And where else
was a kid like me going to be able to go to all those places, huh?"
"I don't know. Nowhere?"
"In the Navy, man."
"Sure. Of course."
"So I'm in the Navy, and I'm goin' off to all of these diff'rint places, and I'm seein' all this diff'rint shit, and finally I come home on leave. And... how you doin' over there?"
"I'm good."
"No, man, I mean it looks like you're gettin' out of beer there."
"Oh, yeah, I guess."
"Tell you what. You bought me this drink here, so here, take this and go up there and tell Annie to throw another whiskey in some milk and get one for y'rself, alright? Whatever it is you're
drinking there. How's that?"
"OK, thanks."
"Great, man. I need to piss. Go up there and Annie'll fix us up."
"So I'd be home on leave, and I'd go out for a few drinks, down to MacGregor's there, and we'd all be hanging out and shooting pool, and it'd get to be around midnight one o'clock, and I'd have
one last drink and say good night to everyone. And midnight one o'clock's pretty early, you know. But I'd take off then, go to my mother's house, God rest her, and I'd change my clothes and grab my
little rucksack there, and I'd head out over the bridge. Across the Queensboro into Manhattan. And once you get down there it's just all these apartment buildings, a couple of projects around for
the blacks, but mostly it's all nice older folks. You got some Italians, some Germans, a Mick or two, but all of 'em have been there a long time. They're... what you call it... ah, I forget. Anyway,
they're all right there, and twelve one o'clock all of 'em are still out at their club or a bar or something, and you can get right up on the roof of these buildings back then, you know. So I'd get
up there and I'd sit for a minute. Have a cigarette and take a look around. I don't know if you've ever taken that bridge at night, but the view from up that high on the river is something else,
man.
"So I'd sit up on one of them rooftops and look around, see who was lit up home and who wasn't. And I'd make that into a map, in my head, so once I picked a place I could just run down the fire
escape, slip into a bathroom or kitchen window, and be back out in two minutes. All those apartments are the same, you know. They go front to back, right along the length of the building. So you
come in the fire escape, and you're in the bathroom, standing right there in the tub. I don't know why everyone puts their tub in front of the damn window, but most of 'em do it anyway. So you're
standin' in the tub, and you get out of it and get out of the bathroom, and you're in the kitchen or the hall. Way at the end of the hall is the bedroom, and there's all these other rooms off one
side of the hall. Closets and a library or spare room or something. You run down the hall quick as you can, and slip in, right there is the bed, a chest of drawers, and the good lady's got her
dressing table near the window. And what's on top of the dressing table? Bingo! The good lady's jewelry box. And what's in the jewelry box? Hell, that could be anything. Cash, rings, necklace
maybe. So I grab it, turn to the big old chest of drawers, and nine times out of ten they've got a coffee can full up of cash on top there. In the bag. And that's it. In and out before you know
it. Head on up to the roof and have another cigarette, look at another building. I used to do three or four in a night, man. Do you believe that? And when I started hearing people on the street
down there, I'd head back across the bridge, back home, and off to sleep like a baby. Just like that.
"You don't believe me, do you?"
"I don't know, man."
"Come on, you don't believe me. I can see it. You think you're all smart, sitting there with your fancy beer and your fancy cigarettes... what are they? I never seen a pack like that
before."
"American Spirits. Lights."
"American Spirit? What the hell's that? How much those cost you?"
"I don't know."
"More than regular cigarettes, right?"
"Not really. Five and a half."
"Five and a half? Jesus. I remember when a pack cost a buck. Me, I smoke anything. But I buy it cheap, down in that store by the Greek restaurant over there. Marlboros run you four bucks.
But even that, man. Let me get one of those fancy cigarettes and I'll tell you something you'll believe me. Thanks. You're a good kid, you know. I like you."
"Thanks."
"Yeah, I'm just sayin' you're a good kid. I can see it in you. You'll do all right."
"Thanks."
"So here, let me prove it to you I used to be a thief."
"OK."
"See, you're a thief, you steal stuff."
"Sure."
"But I was also a pickpocket too. And I can prove it right now. You wear a watch?"
"Yeah."
"Let me see it."
"Here."
"OK, no, see if you want to grab a guy's watch, you find someone wearing one with a metal band. With the little clip, you know. Not that plastic thing like on a belt you got there."
"Why's that?"
"'Cause look, I come up to you, here, stand up, OK, I come up to you and I smile. Reach out to shake your hand. No, take my hand, yeah. OK, so I'm shaking your hand, and I put my other hand,
my left hand, on your forearm like this. So you've got your fancy watch on your right hand which I'm shaking. And I've got some pressure on your right forearm. And I'm saying something like it's so
nice to meet you, you're a great guy, you're kind of funny. And then my shaking hand, my right hand, I reach up with the thumb and get the metal clip on the band. Flick it open. Your watch opens
up. And I let go of your arm like this, just moving my left hand down your arm. And I just slide your watch into my right hand, tell you how glad I am to meet you, and you never even realize I just
took your fancy watch. You know why?"
"No, why?"
"'Cause you can't concentrate on three things at a time."
"I don't get it."
"OK, look, man. If I'm shaking your hand you concentrate on that. You're aware of it. And if I grab your arm, you concentrate on that, too, 'cause I'm too close to you and you're not right
with that. And if I'm talking to you, you forget that I'm shaking your hand 'cause everyone shakes hands. But you don't forget that I'm talking to you and grabbing your arm at the same time. No one
can. Physically impossible. So you talk to me 'cause that's polite, and you think about my hand on your arm 'cause it's not normal. It's like an invasion of privacy, you know. And you forget about
shaking my hand 'cause shaking hands is natural. See?"
"Jesus... yeah. Hey, that's true. Wow."
"So now I got your watch and you don't even know it."
"Yeah, that's smooth, man."
"Damn right it's smooth. I used to do that all the time. Hell, that's one you can even get away with wearing a uniform. 'Cause no one ever expects a sailor to be a thief too."
"Yeah, sure enough."
"But that's the best part. I come home on leave, do a few things at night, and then I'm gone for nine months a year. And by the time I get back? everyone's forgotten about everything."