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(10/24/2007; 09:07am) - perception

i can't tell if i'm balding or got a bad haircut.

(10/02/2005; 09:24pm) - imagine...

if all the world's peanut butter and jelly were magically switched in one moment, (all peanut butter became jelly, all jelly became peanut butter) how many people would be inconvienienced?

(06/24/2005; 09:25am) - a little different from mlk's dream

i had a dream last night. we were both deserted on a deserted island. you had the magical ability to turn coconuts into pork chops, but we were both eaten by boars.

(06/08/2005; 09:34am) - theology

if god made us in his image, who made the people on the bus?

(04/13/2005; 09:28pm) - frats

the worst part of my freshman pledge had to be margorilla night. a margorilla is a drink one of the seniors (whose dad worked at a barbershop) invented. it's basically tequilla and clumps of hair clippings from the barbershop floor. anyone who wanted to be in cappa beta pi had to drink three in one night. i drank six just to show them who's boss. i swear to this day i still find hair in my poo.

(03/09/2005; 09:28pm) - pay attention!

focus. focus. focus on the negative.
it's the only way to improve.

(11/16/2004; 02:29pm) - gaybars

here are some names for gay bars that i don't think are used. however, i don't have a lot of gay bar experience, so i really have no idea.

member's only
cahk shack
la villa del homo or le maison de homo (don't know if my cases/parts of speech are good, i'm not gay after all)
men's room
the closet
end of the rainbow
fruit juice
cocks and tails (more of a gay pub, really)
fella cellar

what? lesbian bars? okay.
clam wagon
rosie o'donnel's
the silk curtain

okay, i don't have any more of these. most of my ideas sound more like strip clubs, or they're too offensive for signage.
feel free to use any of these for your gay/lesbian bar, but send me a check (or a link to the bathroom webcam).

(09/27/2004; 11:03am) - morning

you know, if you think about it, coffee grounds are really nothing more than ground up coffee beans.

(07/20/2004; 11:15am) - parenthetically speaking

(between you and me, i'm not even sure he's a real doctor. lisa went to see him last week because she had a throbbing pain in her toe that wouldn't go away. he ordered some x-rays, which seemed like a perfectly doctorly thing to do, but when the x-rays came back, he glanced at them quickly and said, "mmhmm. it's as i suspected. too many ferry boat rides." she looked at him funny and asked, "too many ferry boat rides?" "no, no," he replied, "the emphasis is on boat. too many ferry boat rides." she left the office confused. she wasn't sure she'd ever been on a ferry boat. she went to dr. memmelstein for a second opinion, and he said it was from stubbing her toe on the dining room table. he told her to take some advil, and it would feel better in a week. a week later it felt fine. i'm not sure about that other guy. he was handsome like a doctor, though.)

(06/25/2004; 03:37pm) - aviation

even if people were naturally covered with feathers, we still probably wouldn't be able to fly. i mean, like, not at all.

(05/09/2004; 11:05am) - awkward

i know my girlfriend would look much better with radically reconstructive facial plastic surgery. but i how do i broach the topic?

(04/29/2004; 12:59pm) - svester

my sister is really pissing me off. she won't stop calling me lately. don't get me wrong, i love my sister and everything. we generally talk once a week or so, but lately it's every other day. she's taken to telling me all about the boring things that go on at her job, and all about her stupid coworkers. her coworker jean's sister gina's exboyfriend just started dating a new girl, and now gina's pregnant. so the exboyfriend was going to get back together with gina because he assumed he was the father, and then gina had to tell the exboyfriend, jeff, that it might not be his because she slept with like 5 guys when they were together. so jeff is relieved and pissed at the same time because he doesn't have to get back together with gina, but he still might be a father, and gina's a lying bitch (which is why he broke up with her in the first place, but he thought she was only lying about stealing his car, not sleeping with like 5 other guys).

so why does my sister think i give a shit?

(03/08/2004; 01:32am) - repetition

whenever i feel like everything's been done before, i like to kill a cat, because clearly, no one's ever killed that cat before.

(02/24/2004; 04:20pm) - england

if you only speak english, like me, england's the only foreign country you can know what food you're ordering, yet you still probably won't be happy with it

(12/12/2003; 04:43pm) - thought experiment

magine a void...
no really imagine a void...don't worry, i'll wait.

okay, now i bet that void is black, right? well how can you tell, if you're there, it's not a void is it? okay, try again...



...still nothing?

man, you're terrible at this. i'll check back with you in like, 2 years or something. dumbass.

(11/21/2003; 03:22pm) - lose weight fast!

gotta look good in that gortex! winter is almost here, is your body looking as good as it needs to for this holiday season? you can't have flabby shoulder fat hanging out of your reindeer sweater! what are the guys (or girls *wink*) going to say when your buns droop out of your ski pants? not, "would you like to have a drink in the ski lodge with me," that's for sure. when you get up in the morning and look in the mirror, do you say, "holy geez, i'm a chubbo." if so, then lose some weight, beach ball, and do it fast, scarf season is right around the corner.

(11/11/2003; 02:40pm) - not for resale

i bought a pack of skittles today from a local deli, and written right on the bag was "individually packaged, not for resale." but i bought it at a deli. what am i supposed to do? i told joan at the plant and she said to let it slide. but i'm just not sure. i participated in a criminal act. i should have read the bag carefully before purchasing it...i usually do, but i was in a hurry, and i just wanted some skittles. i think i'll go back there tomorrow, and if he's still hocking those babies, i'll alert proper soon as i find out who that would be.

(10/20/2003; 03:16pm) - A Fond Letter

Dear Mr. Morgan,
Thank you so much for your resounding hospitality this weekend. My wife and I had an experience we'll never forget. All of those people all of those prostheses, well, we've never felt more at home. As I'm sure you understand, we have a hard time feeling welcome, and with you I felt more welcome than I do in my own house. You can be assured that you'll be seeing us again. We might even host at our house some time in the near future, provided we can find enough gloves. I could go on forever, but I've got to get back to my puppies.
Gary Jensen

p.s. You can keep the 'tip'.

(10/02/2003; 03:03pm) - directions

turn left.
remember that girl from high school?
i suppose that was a long time ago.
she was the only thing that meant anything to you.
now you don't even remember her parent's names.
i guess it's not important.

(09/22/2003; 01:43pm) - helpful hints

when cleaning a rhinoceros's horn, use a brillo pad. they come with cleaning solution inside the pad, so all you need is a little water (which is usually all you have in the middle of tanzania).
don't be afraid, to really scrub it good. don't worry, they won't feel a thing.

cheryl craig is a regular columnist who's syndicated weekly column helpful hints appears in papers worldwide.

(09/15/2003; 11:50am) - routine

when i get up in the morning, i try not to think, "what am i going to do today without my arms?" because it's probably unhealthy, and i should think more positively. that's what everyone keeps telling me, but i can't help it. the thing is, it's really difficult because I HAVE NO FUCKING ARMS! YOU TRY TO GET OVER SOMETHING LIKE HAVING NO ARMS, PUSSY! IT'S HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU GO TO HIT THE SNOOZE ALARM, AND IT KEEPS ON BEEPING; YOU REACH FOR THE SOAP, AND IT JUST SITS THERE; YOU STEP ON THE GAS, BUT THE WHEEL DOESN'T TURN. FORGETTING ABOUT IT IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE, YOU MIGHT FIND!

*note: today's ...ish has been typed by toes*

(09/10/2003; 08:38pm) - famous last words

i'm never going to space again. everyone was so rude, and my table service was terrible. and the cuisine was hardly "universal" it was more like regular food from Earth, with just a couple of Mars spices...WHICH YOU CAN GET ON EARTH! the music act was so boring. i'd never seen any of the instruments before, which normally is interesting, but it all ended sounding like the equivalent of hair gently falling to the floor in barber shop. when i voiced this complaint to the manager, he replied "perhaps you're not the universal sofisticate your badge would imply." if there's one thing i can't stand it's haughty space jerks. i'm sticking to regular old crappy earth from now on. except, of course, for interstellar whore houses. there's no other place to get that, that...feeling.

(09/09/2003; 10:01am) - pain

i don't deal well with pain. i was supposed to have my wisdom teeth out for like 3 years now, but i don't care. i'm not going to do it. i mean like even if i wanted to have a child. it's like, i couldn't actually bear a child. you know what i mean?

(09/08/2003; 12:53am) - announcement

this bus has been checked for sleeping children.

(09/04/2003; 01:32pm) - coming to terms

today i met the woman i'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

(08/29/2003; 09:57am) - idle threats

i swear to god if this steve doesn't shut the fuck up i'm going to throtle him. give me 14 copies of 16B. god, shut the fuck up! he doesn't know when to leave well enough alone. he's wearing that shirt and that fucking tie again. who wears paisley ties? paisley is for boxer shorts. goddamit, what is paisley? what a stupid pattern, it doesn't even make any sense. man, that steve is going to get it. yesterday he came in here and was all, i need that counter report so i can finish the recall on the washers. i almost punched him right there, with his combover. he's not even bald! no wonder his marriage is in trouble. i mean, i've been divorced three times, but at least i get a decent hair cut at super cuts. unlike SOME PEOPLE...NAMED STEVE. i'll give him one more day, and if he pulls this shit again i'm gonna, i swear i'll...right i hate that guy.

(08/19/2003; 02:21am) - addiction

i sneered at the guy when he handed me a double cappucino with no java jacket. he probably thought i didn't like gay people.

(07/24/2003; 02:20pm) - last will and testament (first draft)

when i'm dead, i want all of my remains burnt, then the ashes compressed into a diamond. then i want that diamond to be used in a really big laser. then i want that laser shot at something really awesome, like a mountain that no one is using so that it totally blows up. then i want the ashes from the blown up mountain to be compressed into a bigger diamond, put into a really big laser, and shot at a planet or a star or something. then i want the original me diamond (with or without the laser) thrown into the black hole created by the blown up star or planet. whoever does that can have all my stuff.

(07/21/2003; 11:14am) - not a chance

Carol wants a dog like crazy. I hate dogs. I'd like to say I'd do anything for Carol, but I can't. I can't live with something I hate. When I told her I didn't want a dog she said, "Well then maybe we should just have a baby." Right, that's exactly what my career needs. Why can't she just be happy with the turtle? It's a great turtle.

(07/08/2003; 09:53am) - squats

10 - 145 lbs
6 - 155 lbs
4 - 165 lbs

(06/30/2003; 01:20pm) - life is hard

as i place my bloodied scimitar into its velvet sheath i think to myself, "should i consolidate my student loans?"

(06/24/2003; 09:37am) - ugly people eating

ugly people eating are so gross. it's too bad that they have to eat, but i'd appreciate it if they did it behind closed doors. not to mention, there's no eating or drinking on the bus, the ugly person's usual haunt. but ugly people think they're special (most likely misunderstanding the results of a grade school apptitude test) and eat with careless abandon on bus, poisoning my morning commute with their repulsive mastication. it's almost grosser when they drink, specifically from straws. more specifically from clear straws. you can see the fowl liquid slowly approach their chapped lips, and watch them choke down gulp after gulp until gluttonously satiated. and what is that a mole? uhhh, that's so gross.

(06/16/2003; 08:09pm) - back in high school

back in my high school there were two types of people: bikers and nerds. everything would have been copasetic if people would have stuck to their own groups, but unfortunately the overwhelming desire for nerd girls upset the social balances severely. biker boys only wanted to get with nerd girls, and nerd guys only wanted to get with nerd girls. nerd girls didn't want to get with biker boys because most of them had psoriasis. nerd girls didn't mind nerd boys too much, but were more interested in biker girls. the nerd girls longed for the tough muscleatory image that the biker girls put forth. (the image would have been equally appealing as far as biker boys went, if it wasn't for their itchy, scratchy, peely psoriasis.) but biker girls didn't mind psoriasis and longed to ride the backseat of the biker boys bikes. it seemed like every day a fight broke out where a biker boy would beat up a nerd boy (scratching his itchy skin all the while) to show his dominance to the nerd girl, but it would all be for naught as the nerd girl could not stop leering at the leather clad biker girls across the hall who in turn were enamored with the sheer musclitude of the biker boy's butt kicking fervorocity. if only i knew what i know now in high school. a little jergens would have cleared up the whole mess. nerd boys and biker girls would have gone lonely after the nerd girls paired with all the biker boys, until, of course, the biker girls took a step back and noticed how sexy they found algebra. then, like spring and summer become one in mid june, nerd boys would finally learn why they though about girls so much. ahhhh.

(06/09/2003; 09:34am) - transportation

skipping is really hard on the calves. it's a wonderful aerobic activity, but it fails to get you from here to there in any efficient manner, although you do look cool. in fact, if skipping was easier on the calves, people wouldn't need to smoke cigarettes.

(06/02/2003; 09:43am) - newton

i wish farts worked better as a physical propellant for the entire corpus. unfortunately, newton was totally right about stuff, and there just isn't enough action for an effective equal and opposite reaction....not yet at least, i've been eating a lot of ruffage lately.

(05/19/2003; 11:09am) - my pajamas

my pajamas smell weird. they don't smell bad, per se, just weird. i'm in a quandry. i always shower as soon as i get up, so i'll never smell weird like my pajamas during the day. and no one sleeps in my bed with me, so there's no one to smell them during the night. except for me. but my laundry service charges by the pound, and as i said before they don't really smell bad, just...odd. and i like to use the logic that with the money i'm saving not washing my pajamas, i can buy fritos every day to put in my soup. so, the question is: odd smelling pj's or crunchy frito soup? honestly, i don't know who's qualified to answer this question.

(05/13/2003; 04:19pm) - morning

this morning i'm trying pigtails. i don't know if pigtails are really my thing. they kinda make me look younger, which i guess is okay. they're definitely cute. i'm also trying a different color eye shadow. for my birthday, my mom took me to a "color specialist". she was supposed to look at my skin tone, and hair color, and whatever, and tell me what colors best accented my features. i think the eye shadow looks weird, but then again, i don't have an associate's degree in cosmotology like cindy does, so i'm giving it a shot. she also told me that i should get highlights in my hair, i haven't done that yet, though, i'm still waiting for a birthday check from nana. but i think cindy's right. i've been telling my mom i wanted my hair dyed forever now. she says that i'm pretty the way i am, but if that's true then why doesn't rob halstead even know i'm alive.

(05/09/2003; 12:25am) - when i grow up

i want to be a bus inspector.

(05/06/2003; 11:12am) - getting closer every minute

the album's almost finished. man, it feels like we've been working on this forever. i've got to do a couple more vocal layovers, and steve needs to tweak a bassline or two, and then we're done recording. terry says it'll be another month or two before the whole thing's mixed and mastered, but that's all happening at The Rack in London, so it's out of our hands. we'll finally get a bit of a vacation before the tour starts up in august. Jenny and i are planning on at least a week in Hawaii. it's going to feel good to have this record off my back, but i also know i'm going to miss it, too. everything moves so fast, i rarely have time to reflect on it all. i think the next few months will be great (if i don't drink myself to death.)

(05/01/2003; 12:20am) - some thoughts

What would Jesus say if he showed up right now? ?What day is it?? ?Who are you?? If Jesus came right now, he?d visit me first. He?d have short hair. I wouldn?t recognize him on account of this short hair, and he?d pretend to be a Native American, even though he really doesn?t look like one. He?d be petitioning me for reparations. His tribe wants to build a casino, and they have rights to my land. Jesus wants to build casino on my house. I?d smile and be pleasant because this guy really doesn?t look like a Native American. In fact, he looks more like Jesus with short
hair. This would make me laugh to myself, ?ha.? Who still has a beard, anyway? My father had a beard for 32 years. Shaved it down to a goatee 7 months ago. He never looked like Jesus, but this guy does. Alright, I call your bluff. I?ll sign your petition. You?re either Jesus trying to trick me, or a real Native American. Either way I?ll probably lose my house. I haven?t had a job since March. I guess I?ll follow you home. I guess I'll follow you anywhere. Can we start a religion. I?d prefer if we could be more the type of religion that is really just built around group sex,
and the like. Do I have any say in our beliefs? How established is this religion? Do I have to pay taxes? And this casino, will it have Baccarat? I?d like to learn how to play.

(04/27/2003; 03:13am) - it's the little things that matter

i don't know what the difference between an accordian and a squeezebox is. i also don't think i want to.

(04/24/2003; 09:44am) - parry parry strike

the last time i was in a fist fight was eleven years ago. i was in middle school. i fought with another guy in the class over a disputed basketball call. in the heat of the argument he tackled me to the ground and swung a punch. he hit me squarely in the face. i tried to swing back, but he blocked it and swung again. i was losing the fight. i was bigger than him, but not in the way that would be good for winning fights. i was bigger in the way that makes every move really slow, and easy to dodge. the fight ended, and i hadn't landed a punch. my face was bloodied, and i was crying. i suppose that is why i almost peed myself today when a guy said he was going to kick my ass if didn't stop singing "when a man loves a woman" on the subway.

(04/22/2003; 07:04pm) - carter buys shampoo

i ran into my friend carter the other night at the checkout conter of CVS. i hadn't seen him for a while. it was nice. it turned out that we were both buying dandruff shampoo and candy bars. i was buying CVS brand dandruff shampoo, elequently named "dandruff shampoo" and a butterfinger. he was buying Dessonex and reece's peanut butter cups. he went first. the clerk rang him up, and as carter handed him the money he said to him, "is this what you thought of when your mother said you could be anything?" at first the clerk didn't seem to respond, until he lunged forward with a mean left hook from under the counter, sending carter to the unvaccumed carpet. i wanted to do something, but, i haven't really seen carter since we were kids. the clerk jumped over the counter (no small feat, for he was edging on three hundred pounds) and cowered over my beaten friend. he grabbed the collar of carter's shirt and pulled his face close to his own, sweat now dripping off his nose and said, "no."

(04/18/2003; 01:15am) - on peanut butter

oft i'll refuse a peanut butter cracker because i don't think i'll really want that taste in my mouth. but whenever it is that do eat one (albeit seldom), it was always the right choice. i'm either really in tune with the harmony inside my mouth, or i'm usually wrong, and i should take the peanut butter cracker every time.

oft i'll refuse a raison for similar reason. however, if that raison is riding along on a celery log filled with peanut butter, i'll always exept.

(04/17/2003; 03:09pm) - just one kid...and he's been on the block a long time

i can't stop dreaming about joey mcintyre. i don't even know why he's in my head. but for the past three nights he's turned up in my dreams. this wouldn't be so disturbing if the dreams weren't so cryptic. i'd rather be having sex with him, or fighting him, or something that would mean he symbolized something like my latent homosexuality or agression towards my catholic upbrining, but alas, nothing of that sort has materialized. instead, we just chat. i talk to him about his career, we trade recepies, chat women, and men, and life, and the world, then i wake up. but when i wake up i don't feel refreshed. i feel disturbed, deeply disturbed. i can't shake the feeling that i've been doing something wrong. i fear going back to sleep. i sweat. i tremble. "get out of my head. you're not my friend, joey mcintyre! we're not yentas, knitting over tea! i didn't invite you. i don't want you here. you weren't even my favorite new kid. i'm a donny man!" but he will not answer my pleas. instead he arrives in my dreams as soon as i return to sleep. and my sleeping personality has no idea how much i loathe these encounters, and he chats away with joey mcintyre endlessly. my waking personality is trapped in my own head, forced to watch it happen, like an infomercial when NOTHING else is on. i'm at the mercy of a nameless force falling deeper and deeper into petty conversational darkness. perhaps this is a harbinger of death. in many ways i've always assumed death would look something like joey mcintyre. his boyish good looks much more haunting than the empty darkness the hood of the reaper reveals, his bright eyes and candy cheeks only to be seen by those he chooses to take with him to the other side. maybe so. maybe this is the end. or maybe i should stop eating chee-toes before bed.

(04/16/2003; 02:06am) - a surprize phone call

this morning the phone range at like 9 in the morning. normally i don't answer the phone that early because it's always one of those computer calls, and that just sucks. but i was feeling particularly sadistic (and the phone was right next to my bed because i forgot to put it back on the thing) and i picked it up.
"you still sleeping, walker?"
"get your goddamned head out of your ass"
it was my high school football coach.
"coach, it's nine in the morning"
"that's bullshit"
i remember thinking "can he swear? no authority figure before in my life ever swore in front of me, unless they got hit in the balls or something. i'm supposed to respect elders, and not swear in public, and here's this guy, clearly my elder, swearing at me. i suppose he can, i mean, this isn't middle school or anything, maybe this is the way things are now.
"coach that's not bullshit, it's nine in the morning"
"don't you swear at me, you little fuck. if you're giving 110 percent, you're up at 8 and you're ready for the day."
somehow i got balls, i talked back to him
"coach, if was giving 110 percent, shouldn't i get up at 11:24? that's 10 percent later in the day than 9."
"goddammit walker, i'm coming over there"
and he hung up the phone.

(04/13/2003; 08:44pm) - angels in the outfield

the end of angels in the outfield made me cry today. i didn't even see the whole movie, i mostly just saw the end.