Tales from Croatia
the secret origin of bobert:
Day 04
So today (Saturday) this 50 year old woman was throwing herself at me. But not only is it hard to explain but it's also hard to explain in words the insanity that caused, the closest description would be a hyperactive E-tard, or a woman tripping face. Either way she had no idea what the fuck was going on. But since its hard to explain I guess I'll start at the beginning. After I got up and showered I wanted food, I went a couple of doors down to see Dennis. He's fifty and dating one of the employees of NDI, so he follows her around since he's a writer and can pretty much do that anywhere. Well we went out to lunch and afterwards, he wanted to buy some souvenirs. The cool thing about Split is that it is 2,000 years old and a lot of the Roman buildings are not only still standing but still in use as shops and homes. So as we walked around the Roman area and he first told me to ignore my mother's look upon the female youth because its pretty much all bollux. And if he weren't attached that he would be having himself a grand time. Later though we're walking up these stairs and we walk onto a courtyard. As soon as we do this woman, about 50 approaches me and says "You're lovely." Dumbfounded and not having any idea what to say to any of this I respond "Um, ok. Thanks." She then tells us how she's an artist and what she does is she takes pictures of scenes, and then blows it up. So that its huge and either projects it onto a wall, in the Roman area or she makes as calls it jumbo huge size prints. The entire time I'm trying to get away but Dennis seems truly into what she's talking about. She says that tonight at 10pm that she will take a picture of a scene in the courtyard and that she hoped that I would come by for the picture. I didn't know it at the time but it seems that she then told Dennis that she guessed he could come out too, but only if he really wanted to, and not to feel obligated.
We (a whole bunch of people) go out to dinner. And afterwards Dennis suggests that we go into the Roman area, to go to the courtyard where the tripping/E-tarded lady was. I had forgotten that she was there but I wanted to go into the Roman area because it was only 10pm and I didn't feel like going back to the Hotel. I had totally forgotten that the lady was there, but as we walk back towards it Dennis brings up that there was an artist there. So we get to the courtyard and her table that used to be in the middle of the courtyard, is now against the wall and she's nowhere to be found. We mill around though for 5minutes and out of nowhere she appears. She seems really excited (she had probably had dropped about an hour and 15minutes ago). And she pulls out a camera so that she can take a picture of all of us. But instead of taking the picture she begins to ramble, on and on, about how she's an artist and what she's trying to accomplish. To escape the onslaught I see Karen (Dennis's girlfriend) is kind of standing away from all of the commotion. So I join her while all the time thinking to myself how nuts this lady is. But soon after I leave the assembled group she shifts her attention to me and Karen, and she gives both of us stuff to hold for the picture. To Karen she hands a palm sized crystal ball and to me she hands this transparent, plastic, statuette of the Virgin Mary. It takes me a few seconds to really absorb the fact she has just handed me a plastic Madonna. Other members of our party start to group Karen and myself. I look around to see what everybody is holding and I see that my mom is still holding on to the ice cream cone that she bought earlier. Dennis has this little baby Jesus in a cup. I don't know what's stranger the cup or the baby Jesus, because the cup is colorless clear plastic and inside of it is water. I don't mean that the cup contains water, I mean that the cup is made of 2 sheets of plastic. And between those sheets is water. The cup is perplexing and fun to play with sober so I can only imagine it tripping. The other two members of our group Natalia and Alesha are holding their sunglasses. She takes a few steps back, and takes the picture and I think that the madness has been drawn to a close. It must be at this point that God laughs so much and so loud that he shits himself, because she then draws us close and tells us that we are her kind of family, while all the time taking away the toys. But she then gives a yellow clear cup just like the one that held baby Jesus to all of us (though the yellow one is less cool). And to put aside any confusion she did not give a cup to each of us, instead she gives one to the whole group. Then things got even stranger for she tells me that not only am I beautiful, clever, and perfect but that I can be an artist, or even the President of the United States. To this the entire group looks bewildered but I guess she mistook this for jealousy for she then tells Dennis, Karen, and Natalia that they can also be President. Which is really funny because Natalia is Croatian, and both Karen and Dennis are Canadian. I now having idea what the fuck is going on put myself on timeout, and as I walked away I still heard her saying how clever I was. I found Alesha down the stairs that first led to all of this (wondering if I had any idea what I was getting myself into when I climbed them earlier that day). Still in timeout I joined her, and we discussed how crazy the lady was. Several minutes later when I feel I am back in reality I decide to go back to where the group is, in hopes of trying to encourage them to leave. When I return I see that Natalia is on the same quest and eventually we get the group to leave the land of the E-tarded, but we don't escape without her number, her address, her fianci's number, and her grandmother's number (she tells us that she is often there) all written on the back of one of her works. On it there's a picture of a lot of stuff, ans she points out that one of them is Jesus, but not to worry because he's not dead only wounded. In return of all of this we give her Karen's card so that she can supposedly send us a copy of the prints. She won't have it ready until Monday and that's when she'll display it, but [un]fortunately we all leave tomorrow. Its not until we get back to the hotel that someone tells me she was originally throwing herself at me and was hoping that I would return by myself. Go fig.
Anyway I also have more of an idea of what I'll be doing this summer. A group called the Gong group (its an acronym for something but that something is in Croatian, so I guess it doesn't matter). They received money to recruit and train Croatians to monitor the upcoming election. The kicker is that they said that since a lot of Croatians are at the coast this time of year that they have to go there, to talk them. It gets better. Gong then proposed to get a boat, probably a yacht or something similar, to go around the coast and stop at cities to talk to the locals. Though now there are only three, every member of Gong is under of 26, and most likely most of the future ones will be as well. And they want me to go on the boat with them. I've been told to expect a lot of beer, girls, more beer, and more girls on this voyage, that's going to last 2 weeks. This is similar to all of us getting a yacht for some reason and going along the Southern tip of Florida and around the Florida keys. Occasionally stopping for refills of food and beer, and discussing our dogma every now and then but only truly necessary. The only thing that tops this is that the excursion is federally sponsored, i.e. coming from all the tax dollars of the American people, and I guess you too if you've paid taxes or will pay taxes this summer. But I'm ok since I haven't paid taxes yet, and will not this summer. Just know that your tax dollars will allow me to take a cruise around the Adriatic Sea.
GOD BLESS AMERICA.
The only thing more silly than what has happened so far is that, not only has it only been 4 days but I'll be here for another 2 months. And I should be online on Sunday (6/5) between 5-6pm EST
-Bobert
We (a whole bunch of people) go out to dinner. And afterwards Dennis suggests that we go into the Roman area, to go to the courtyard where the tripping/E-tarded lady was. I had forgotten that she was there but I wanted to go into the Roman area because it was only 10pm and I didn't feel like going back to the Hotel. I had totally forgotten that the lady was there, but as we walk back towards it Dennis brings up that there was an artist there. So we get to the courtyard and her table that used to be in the middle of the courtyard, is now against the wall and she's nowhere to be found. We mill around though for 5minutes and out of nowhere she appears. She seems really excited (she had probably had dropped about an hour and 15minutes ago). And she pulls out a camera so that she can take a picture of all of us. But instead of taking the picture she begins to ramble, on and on, about how she's an artist and what she's trying to accomplish. To escape the onslaught I see Karen (Dennis's girlfriend) is kind of standing away from all of the commotion. So I join her while all the time thinking to myself how nuts this lady is. But soon after I leave the assembled group she shifts her attention to me and Karen, and she gives both of us stuff to hold for the picture. To Karen she hands a palm sized crystal ball and to me she hands this transparent, plastic, statuette of the Virgin Mary. It takes me a few seconds to really absorb the fact she has just handed me a plastic Madonna. Other members of our party start to group Karen and myself. I look around to see what everybody is holding and I see that my mom is still holding on to the ice cream cone that she bought earlier. Dennis has this little baby Jesus in a cup. I don't know what's stranger the cup or the baby Jesus, because the cup is colorless clear plastic and inside of it is water. I don't mean that the cup contains water, I mean that the cup is made of 2 sheets of plastic. And between those sheets is water. The cup is perplexing and fun to play with sober so I can only imagine it tripping. The other two members of our group Natalia and Alesha are holding their sunglasses. She takes a few steps back, and takes the picture and I think that the madness has been drawn to a close. It must be at this point that God laughs so much and so loud that he shits himself, because she then draws us close and tells us that we are her kind of family, while all the time taking away the toys. But she then gives a yellow clear cup just like the one that held baby Jesus to all of us (though the yellow one is less cool). And to put aside any confusion she did not give a cup to each of us, instead she gives one to the whole group. Then things got even stranger for she tells me that not only am I beautiful, clever, and perfect but that I can be an artist, or even the President of the United States. To this the entire group looks bewildered but I guess she mistook this for jealousy for she then tells Dennis, Karen, and Natalia that they can also be President. Which is really funny because Natalia is Croatian, and both Karen and Dennis are Canadian. I now having idea what the fuck is going on put myself on timeout, and as I walked away I still heard her saying how clever I was. I found Alesha down the stairs that first led to all of this (wondering if I had any idea what I was getting myself into when I climbed them earlier that day). Still in timeout I joined her, and we discussed how crazy the lady was. Several minutes later when I feel I am back in reality I decide to go back to where the group is, in hopes of trying to encourage them to leave. When I return I see that Natalia is on the same quest and eventually we get the group to leave the land of the E-tarded, but we don't escape without her number, her address, her fianci's number, and her grandmother's number (she tells us that she is often there) all written on the back of one of her works. On it there's a picture of a lot of stuff, ans she points out that one of them is Jesus, but not to worry because he's not dead only wounded. In return of all of this we give her Karen's card so that she can supposedly send us a copy of the prints. She won't have it ready until Monday and that's when she'll display it, but [un]fortunately we all leave tomorrow. Its not until we get back to the hotel that someone tells me she was originally throwing herself at me and was hoping that I would return by myself. Go fig.
Anyway I also have more of an idea of what I'll be doing this summer. A group called the Gong group (its an acronym for something but that something is in Croatian, so I guess it doesn't matter). They received money to recruit and train Croatians to monitor the upcoming election. The kicker is that they said that since a lot of Croatians are at the coast this time of year that they have to go there, to talk them. It gets better. Gong then proposed to get a boat, probably a yacht or something similar, to go around the coast and stop at cities to talk to the locals. Though now there are only three, every member of Gong is under of 26, and most likely most of the future ones will be as well. And they want me to go on the boat with them. I've been told to expect a lot of beer, girls, more beer, and more girls on this voyage, that's going to last 2 weeks. This is similar to all of us getting a yacht for some reason and going along the Southern tip of Florida and around the Florida keys. Occasionally stopping for refills of food and beer, and discussing our dogma every now and then but only truly necessary. The only thing that tops this is that the excursion is federally sponsored, i.e. coming from all the tax dollars of the American people, and I guess you too if you've paid taxes or will pay taxes this summer. But I'm ok since I haven't paid taxes yet, and will not this summer. Just know that your tax dollars will allow me to take a cruise around the Adriatic Sea.
GOD BLESS AMERICA.
The only thing more silly than what has happened so far is that, not only has it only been 4 days but I'll be here for another 2 months. And I should be online on Sunday (6/5) between 5-6pm EST
-Bobert